Forgiveness

This blog post will be about forgiveness and how it can heal our own souls and my own journey with forgiveness.

For people who have read my past posts, you know that I am a suicide survivor and that I have been betrayed by many of my friends for it. I went through a very rough patch after my attempt, but I am proud to say that I have made it through the hardest of parts. That being said, for months after my attempt, I held great anger and resentment towards the people who left me during my weakest times. Anger towards the people who said they were my friends, just to leave me. I had never felt more betrayed or angered in my life. At first, I used words of anger towards them. I made small acts of revenge on social media. All to get nowhere.

If I have learned anything from that, is that that anger hurt me then it hurt them. I also heard the song “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw, and his words really resonated with me. Also the song “Learning” By Kane Brown. Both country songs that talk about forgiving and moving forward. About having a new story to tell and looking forward to a new chapter in your life. But the only way to do that is to make peace with the past and the people who hurt you the most.

I didn’t physically go up to them and forgive them, but in my mind, I forgave them. I wrote down my forgiveness towards them and let my anger go. It was very hard at first, but I feel so much better now. I feel as though I have left that peace of my life behind me.

I deleted all of our text messages and pictures. I have removed them from my social media, and learned to move on from our broken friendship. I am not running from my past, I am acknowledging it and moving on.

I believe to make yourself happier, you must let go of the wrongs done to you in your past. I forgive my old roommates and friends for leaving me. I forgive my ex boyfriend for calling me trash. I forgive the boy who tried to sexually assault me. I forgive the guy who caused me to get into an accident. I forgive everyone who has hurt me, for forgiving them, has helped me heal my emotional wounds.

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Mental Health Status

Hi Everyone,

So sorry I have not written in a while. I have been going through a lot lately and I felt as though I needed time. It is perfectly ok to take time to yourself to figure things out. Everyone needs to know that.

A few weeks ago my 9 year old dog passed away suddenly without a warning. She woke up breathing heavily and then she passed away hours later. That really put me back into a deep depression. My guinea pig also suddenly passed away a few weeks prior. I was going through a lot and I needed a break. I gave myself time to grieve and time to heel from these wounds. I am still in the process of moving on, and that I perfectly ok.

For anyone who has lost a loved one, you need to know that it is ok to be sad. It is ok to cry. It is ok to ask for help. It is ok, because we all are human and have felt your pain. Knowing you are not alone is important. I really hope you all are doing great.

Great to be back to the blogging world!

The Bottle Poem

Life was good.

We were best friends.

You were my role model,

why did it have to end?

You took one sip,

but you wanted more.

How did one sip turn to 4?

You didn’t think.

You just kept going.

I didn’t understand why holding Brandy was better then holding my hand.

You tried to hide it,

but people took notice.

We tried to stop you,

but you just kept going.

And now I’m as empty as your bottle.

 

This poem is about how I lost my best friend to alcoholism. She was taken from me way to soon, and she couldn’t stop herself, because it is a disease! The poem is about her deterioration from being a once caring and loving person, to someone I could no longer recognize. We tried to get her help, but she wouldn’t take it. She couldn’t stop after going to facilities and everything. I don’t blame her, I blame the disease that lived inside her and took her away from me way too soon.

clear glass beer mug filled with beer
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

Why I love 13 Reasons Why

(SPOILER WARNING)

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The very controversial Netflix series, 13 Reasons Why, has been debated on whether it is good or bad. Coming from someone who has attempted

suicide and dealt with a sexual assault, and had to watch a loved one lose their battle to addiction, I believe 13 Reasons Why is a great show. IT TALKS ABOUT THESE THINGS! That’s what we need! We need these things to be talked about. We need these graphic scenes to open people’s eyes about it. About not glorifying mental illness, sexual assault, and addiction. We need to end the stigma, and the only way to do that is by talking about it.

Mental Illness

This section in the show is made very prominent. The whole show is based on why and how Hannah Baker chose to die by suicide. The graphic scene where she slits her wrists was hard to watch, but it opens people’s eyes on how horrible it is to die this way. It hopefully shows people who are thinking about suicide to rethink their decision. The show examines and depicts how hard it is for the family and friends that are left behind. This definitely helped me recover and be grateful that I survived my attempt. Also, the part when Sky is struggling with mental illness and goes to the hospital, it shows how people can recover with the right help and support.

Sexual Assault

When Jess is intoxicated and raped, it depicts how violent and horrifying rape is. After she is raped, we see the victim blaming stage, where people call her a “slut” and a “whore”. We then see how she sees herself has completely changed. She can’t even look at her own body without having flashbacks. When Hannah was raped, we get to see the horror in her eyes as Bryce tries to take her dignity away. We see how rape can destroy people. In the scene where Bryce is finally being prosecuted, the judge only lets him off with 3 months probation. This shows us the reality of how most rape cases end up if they even get to the courtroom. The last sexual assault that was found to be a very controversial scene, was when Tyler was assaulted. YES< BOYS CAN BE RAPED AND ASSAULTED!! People don’t think that boys and men can be raped, but they can. 1 and 6 males will be sexually assaulted, but very few will report. When his mother asks him if everything is ok, he just brushes it off as nothing.

Addiction

The football jock, Justin, becomes entangled with drugs after dropping out of high school Image result for 13 reasons why justin on drugsand losing his girlfriend. He becomes addicted to heroin and lives on the streets. We get to see him sobering up and how messy that can be. Some people glorify drugs and being addicted, but we get to see the not so pretty side effects. We get to see him struggling to buy more drugs and resulting to him stealing money. Luckily his story ends better than most. He gets adopted into a loving family, but most people, they become abandoned and alone struggling for too long.

 

To the people who think this show goes into to many graphic scenes, I will leave you with this. There is never a good or convenient time to talk about these subjects. But it needs to be talked about NOW, and this show does just that. Whether or not you like the show, it is getting the word out there and it is starting the conversation. I thank this show for giving me a platform to share my stories about my struggles.

 

Day Two: SPA DAY

Yes you heard me ladies and gents, a spa day. Now some of you are thinking you have to spend a lot of money and go to a real spa place, but that is SOOOOO wrong! Home spa days are the best and at little cost. Yes, you may want to buy some of the things I am going to talk about, but they are very cheap. (I am on a college student budget and I have purchased all of these). Another thing, boys! Don’t think that spa days are just for girls, because guys deserve to relieve their mental stress as well, and pampering yourself is a great way to do it.

Since mental health awareness month is in the center of finals, this is a perfect time to know how to relax and strengthen your mental health. I love love love spa days. It doesn’t even need to be a full day, just some time to yourself where you are only focusing on you! I will be discussing some of the products I use for my spa days and how it helps me. I hope some of these tips help!

    1. The first, and very first thing I do, is take a bath. But in my college dorm, we only have showers, so I take a really hot shower. When I have a bath, I buy something that probably a lot of you know of, a bath bomb. There are many stores that sell them such as Bath and Body Works, and other places, but they can be pricey. Thats IMG_0123.JPG hy I go to local stores like CVS and Walgreens where they are SOOO much cheaper. And I feel as though they work just as good. If I have a bath, I get my favorite mug, and heat up some water and make tea. The picture to the right, is the tea I use. Its cheap, and tastes SOO good. You can purchase this at mostly any food store.
    2. If you don’t have a bathtub, take a really nice, hot shower. But don’t worry, while you cant use IMG_0122.JPGa bath bomb, you can use something called a shower melt. The picture to the left is the one I use. You just put it on the floor of the shower and BAM! you have an awesome smelling and relaxing shower. I 10 out of 10 recommend you get this for your spa day if you don’t have a bath tub.
    3. After your bath/shower, dry off, put some relaxing clothes on, and put on a face mask. To the right is one of the face masks I like to use, and it always
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leaves me feeling refreshed and clean. Its pretty cheap to, even when they are not on sale. I like to buy them in bulk, because there usually are good deals for that.

4.   Meditate. Meditation is quite easy, and its a great way to connect your body and mind. I tend to sit on my bed, turn the lights out, and take deep breaths. I also go onto youtube and type in meditation music, and just nod in and out to the rhythm.

5.   Just enjoy your own company! Do a craft, read a book you love, or just take a nice nap. There is no right way to have a spa day and a relaxing day. There is only the way that works for you. You deserve to feel good inside and out. So enjoy your spa day and I hope at least on of these tips works for you!

 

 

 

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Day 1 of Mental Health Awareness Tips

For my first day of tips, I have one HUGE tip that helps my friends and I destress so much!

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Me working outside as I write this post

Since the weather is getting nicer out, (currently 88 where I am) start to enjoy the outdoors. If your a college student, grab some of your study materials and head outside to do your studies. If your working at your job, when you go on break, go outside and just relax and listen to the sound of nature. Even if your in a city environment, there is always some sort of nature, whether it be birds calling, insects crawling, or some pretty flowers emerging through the cement.

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My view of the pond

I am currently outside writing this post and I can hear some birds and the sound of students conversing about the upcoming finals. What I like to do when I go outside to take a break is to really listen and focus on what is happening around me. This allows for me to stay in the moment and enjoy the now. Focus on what people are saying to each other. Focus on that bumblebee pollinating the nearby flowers. Watch the birds weave in and out of trees or buildings. This time of the year, nature is flourishing, and so should you. When you go outside and focus on the beauty of nature, you are relaxing your body and mind.

Its hard to do this during the winter, unless you love freezing, so take advantage of this weather and grab a good book and head outside.

I hope this tip helps! Give some feedback below if you practice this or plan to practice this, and what you like to get out of it. I love to get more ideas!

 

Mental Health Awareness Month

HAPPY MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH EVERYONE!!!!

This is a month dedicated to ending the stigma surrounding mental health and to help those suffering feel loved.

While there is still a stigma and a long road ahead of us, the mental health community has come along way in todays society. We now have medications and more programs out there to help people who are suffering, but we still have to keep pushing for more.

In my experience, I have struggled with knowing I am suffering from depression and anxiety. But since there is more education surrounding mental health now, my friends and family now know how to help me more then ever before. I have never felt more loved in my life, and I hope we can keep going to make everyone feel this way.

In honor of this month, I will be trying to post once a day about either a fact, tip, quote, poem, or something I do surrounding mental health.

I will be starting this on May 3rd (sorry I’m 3 days late).

If you have any specific requests of something you want me to mention, write it in the comments and I will try my best to incorporate it in my posts!

Slam Poetry about Depression

They say it gets better with time

But I’ve been here for 18 years

They say just suck it up

But they dont know theres nothing left to pick up

They say it’s just a phase,

But I tell them im not the mother f@#!ing moon.

They say I’ll heal,

But I’m not a cut bleeding from the skin,

I’m a heart shattered

A mind clattered

Force stopping and battered

They say just pushforward

But its hard when there’s a train pulling you backwards.

A time machine making you revisit the past

The past you tried so hard to burry

The past you threw into the ocean with a brick,

But that brick turned into a balloon

And floated right back into my life.

They say that I’m making it up

Even though their words hit me like a truck

They don’t know the pain i feel

The pain I felt

Before I tried to take my life

Before I cut my wrists,

Before I overdosed.

They don’t know

They don’t know

They never will

Now they ask me if I’m ok

But they don’t know I want their words to stay away

Now they think I’m a time bomb,

But they don’t understand the word “depression”

Now they fear my presence,

But they don’t know that all I need is a friend to hold.

Now they think I’m weird,

But they don’t know my struggles because they never fucking asked.

They think I’m a mess,

But they don’t understand mydistress

They don’t

They dont they dont understand

I’m still a human,

I’m just hurt right now

Don’t treat me different because of my wound

Treat me better since I’ve been fighting for so long

Treat me like a person

Treat me like the person you want me to be

Treat  me better so I can learn to do the same for myself

Don’t treat me like i’m crazy because don’t worry,

I do that already to myself

don’t put me down

Because I’m already employed in that field

Dont talk shit about me,

Because I’ve had enough of your words of hate

Thats why im here in the first place.

If I could do it all over again,

I would have made sure to stay out of your life.

But there isn’t a rewind button,

Sorry for that

But I’m not sorry for something I can’t help,

For something that was thrust upon me,

I didn’t ask to be sick,

I didn’t ask for any of this,

I didn’t want to die,

My illness wanted me to die,

I wanted to live,

But at that same time i didn’t,

I loved living,

But hated it

I loved breathing, but hated it,

I made myself do that,

and I hate myself for it,

But next time,

If there is a next time,

Don’t treat me like you did depression

Let me live.

Let me live

Let me live

Foggy Night

It’s foggy out,

So you put your car lights on to see,

But the catch is,

This time,

They dont turn on.

You are in the dark.

Your car is moving blindly through the night fog.

It’s hard at first,

But soon,

You get used to the darkness,

Instead of stopping,

You continue,

Because you know if you stop,

You won’t make it to your destination.

It may be hard to keep going,

But nevertheless,

You push through.

Because if your car is still moving,

You can still go.

This is a poem I wrote about depression and how it can be like fog in your life. Its hard to see your future and have hope, but nevertheless, you need to keep pushing. Because on the other side of the “fog”, there is hope.

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